Relationships are one of the most important aspects of our lives. And they can feel confusing at times. Why is that friend calling less these days? Why do I feel stressed trying to keep up texts with so many people? Why do I not want to invite that person to my wedding or party? etc. I was listening to a podcast one day and listened to a framework by author Anna Goldfarbon on the tiers of friendships. She draws upon Robin Dunbar’s work, the evolutionary psychologist who found human beings can only maintain a certain amount of meaningful relationships and they exist in layers.
The Bathtub people: you feel so close and comfortable that they could hypothetically be in your bathtub. The ones you can talk to about almost anything and you are very compatible with. We usually only have capacity/space for about 1-2 of these in our lives.
The Jacuzzi people. You still feel close and warm but there is more space. These are still your closest people. Typically we only have capacity for 3-5 these.
The Swimming Pool people. You care about these people and they care about you, but the relationship has some conditions attached — shared history, proximity, a recurring context like a book club or a neighborhood. When that context disappears, swimming pool friendships often go with it. That’s not a failure. It’s just how this tier works.
The Beach People: You generally enjoy a casual run-in but you don't track their daily lives. This tier entails friendly, low-effort connections rather than deep personal support, which is okay.
It can feel complicated at times though when someone wants to be a “bathtub or jacuzzi” friend and you don’t have the capacity because bathtub and jacuzzi friends take more intentional effort and time. Some people who are highly sensitive, neurodivergent, empathetic, introverted, or for whatever reason may have fewer people in their tiers, perhaps being selective about who is in their bathtub or jacuzzi or even pool because of how their nervous systems operate. Others who have more energy, capacity, outwardness, or have lived somewhere longer might have more people in each tier. Neither is better or worse–everyone is wired differently and has different capacities. For me understanding and accepting my capacity and what I need to be fulfilled has been really helpful. Additionally, being okay with the fluctuation of other people’s capacity and stages of life and the fluid nature of relationships offers more grace to myself and others.